Steve, dont get mad...

Well things are better I guess. Steve...well hes still smoking and drinking. Yesterday me and him got into a bad argument. We said some really messed up things to each other. But I had said something REALLY fucked up to him that I feel bad for saying, but wont take back. He kinda forced me into saying it.

"Maybe if u were a better boyfriend I wouldnt spend so much time thinking about other pple"

He instantly flipped out. I do regreat telling him that b-cuz I know I hurt him by saying that more than he hurt me. Because he said some pretty hurtful things to me...which I pretty much asked for. But funny thing is, after a few minutes of him being downstairs, he came up trying to talk to me. He apoligized to me...when I shouldve apoligized to me. He asked me to take back what I said and I said I couldnt. He got mad again but got over it in a matter of seconds. I guess in a way he understood why I said that. I told him though, that I never said I dont love him. He knows very well that if I didnt wanna be with him, I'd leave him. And if I really wanted to talk to "other" pple...I know the number! He knows that. And he knows I havent talked to other pple for a while. And when I said that shit to him, I was being honest. I always find myself thinking of how it "wouldve" been if this and how it "wouldve" been if that. Not because I love or like the other person more than him, but b-cuz he fucked up so much, I find myself wondering how things wouldve been.

I love Steve with all my heart and since we got married, I made a commitment to myself to b a good wife and to not ever do the things Ive done in the past. I mean, Im not even interested in doing what I've done before. I love him to much to do that. But I have to admit, I do sometimes think of other pple. Its only b-cuz of the way Steve acts sometimes. Its really hard to explain. But I can assure u that no matter what, I always restrain myself from doing anything that I will regreat...

I love you steve, I would never do anything to hurt u on purpose. I might say some really hurtful things but u know we both say fucked up shit to each other. But at least we know we say em outta anger and dont mean them. Im ur wife and I will always be faithful. I was being honest when I told u what I said, but Im sorry that I said it. U know I love u more than anything in this world and it hurts me to think that u dont believe me. I do love you and well...that all u really outta know. Even if I sometimes think of pple it dont mean anything...well u know for a fact that I wont do anything that u wont like...

Its kinda hard writing about stuff without really putting into the right words...u know what i mean...i know what i mean...thats all that matters...