Things between me & Steve are back to normal, I guess. We sleep together again & im not being as shady with him as I was. Believe me Im still hurt in a way, but its hard to explain how I feel. I still love him, of course, hes my husband! But I feel as if I gave into things. As if I came to the conclusion that "this is the way things are gonna b...things wont ever change. I married him knowing he was the way he is and I cant expect any different from him or expect him to change. SO DEAL WITH IT!!". I went through a weird change in feelings towards him but I did not at all stop loving him or love him any less than I did b4. I just pretty much decided to accept things the way they are. Liar or not, hes my husband!! I married him knowing nothing about his past, knowing I wont ever know nothing, and that he would lie to me...so why am I complaining? I just wish he'd change. But we all know, wishes like that hardly ever come true.

On to a better subject, SEX!! HaHa It had been so long. I kept telling him that we had to wait till I went to my postpartum checkup on the 20th. It had been months and months since we had sex and b4 that when we did, I wouldnt like it cuz I wouldnt b in the mood like I hadnt been since I got pgnt. So it was a while since I got mine. Oh but I got mine!!! LOL We shower together a lot and well we get all into the moment and always just have to let it go. It sucked. But we couldnt wait no more and we just had to have sex. Im glad we did. Hes still got it lol. Gawd I hope my brother dont read this haha.

Well, Amber is already one month old and had her 1st Easter. I dressed her in a cute little overall. Cute little shoes. She is so big! She wears 3-6 months clothes!! Sheeesh.

My aunt bought her a cute EAster Dress....

Yeah u can mos def say that our marriage is affected now. Ive had my arguments with him about lieing but this was the last chance. He has none of my trust...he will always b like "the boy who cried wolf". To make a long story short, he was sooo pissed off that Teresa is LIEING to me and bull shitting so much about shit that aint ture. But I read the message he sent her and by what I made out, it wasnt the same story he had gave me. "Once or Twice" ?? God man, I ... I just see him as being an all around bull shitter now. As for Teresa, she really hurt me so I wanted to give her a taste of her own medecine and Steve will not allow it. He must really love her which is hard to believe since she is such a "bull shitting ass liar"...I wouldnt care so much about someone who starts shit with me and my husband.

Theres obviously shit I dont know and I will never know. This, like many other stories, will remain a complete fucking mystery for as long as our marriage lasts. But with the way things are going, I dont even think we will last. I am not at all saying that I regreat getting married, I dont ever wanna leave him. God forbid our marriage dont work out. But what is a marriage without Trust? I was trying to trust him. We were newlyweds and we love each other so I thought I'd try to trust him. It was hard and I dont think I accomplished it, but after this incident... its gone. He wont get it back. And a marrige cant survive for long without any trust.

At this point I dont give a fuck what he does. He could keep talking to that bitch if he fucking wants. I call her a bitch b-cuz even though it wasnt her intention, she fucked up my marrige. Well its steves fault for being such a liar. If he didnt have that lieing problem we wouldnt even have argued about something as dumb as this. so its his fault as well but had Teresa never said anything, this wouldve never came up. He can shove her up his ass...fuck it...he still wants to be her friend...fine. It will only hurt our marriage even more. But what does it matter...little or more damage...damage is damage.

Im done.

And Teresa: Steve was never ur friend. That is only my opinion and I have my reasons for feeling that way.

So SiCk So SiCk Of BeInG tIrEd

AnD oH sO TiReD oF BeInG sIcK

I'll leave the lights down low
so she knows I mean business
And maybe we could talk this over
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...
I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can
So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
And you know very well
that I can't keep my hands to myself
I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can
This is all wrong and it shows
There's certain things I promised not to let you know,
You've got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat
But you're only counting the clock against the train
And I'm miserable
And you're just getting started
I'm miserable
You've got me right where you want me
let's never talk about this again because...
I didn't want it to mean that much to me

I know I shouldnt get mad even if what she said is true. I did worse. I cheated on  him. But thing is, I could never lie to him. I always told him the truth. Even when it would hurt him, he always knew the truth. EVEN KNOW. I tell him the fkn truth even if it hurts his feelings. Better that than lie to him right?

Hes had this friend named Teresa since he was younger. I always messed around with him telling him that he proly used to like her and shit. I would also ask him if she ever tried to hook up with him and he said no. Well I come to find out Teresa did used to like him alot so I asked her about it. She said they used to have a crush on each other and he used to grab her tits. Yeah of course Steve denies it. When I first got with him he told me hes had sex with three girls and he even told me the whole story about how it happened...even described the girls to me. Funny thing is his storied changed a bit everytime It came up. I began to feel really suspicious about his past...he finally admits...he was a virgin. There was this girl who used to call him like at fucking 2 or 3 in the  morning while we were sleeping or doing what ever...he would tell me shes sum dumb ass girl who he only talked to once and he dont know how she got his number. Again, his story would change as time went by. After many phone calls, I find out he didnt only talk to her, he kissed her.

The past shouldnt matter. I mean all that matters is that hes been faithful, right? I DONT AGREE. The past dont matter, but when ur husbands past doesnt make no sense, or his stories keep on changing, it makes me wonder. His stories have changed so much that I dont know what to believe any more. I really dont know his past. Everything he says to me is hard to believe now. Do u blame me? I mean hes lied so much. His past is like a fucking mistery to me. I hate that shit.

Im really greatful for having a husband who really loves me and has been faithful to me. Even after what I did to him...hes still with me and still loves me. But I really do think hes a bull shitter. And it sucks SO MUCH to feel that way. I mean I did alot worse u know. If finding out stuff about his past hurts me so much, I could imagine how much it hurt  him when I didnt come home from work. How much it must have hurt for him to know that I was with someone else. Im sure it even hurts him now to remember that. And believe me I feel SOOO bad for doing what I did. I cry when I think about the pain I put him through. Because he didnt deserve it...at all. But even though I lied to him, I always came back and told him the truth. And the truth about EVERYTHING. Not only that, but he knows EVERYTHING bout my past. In DEATAIL even. He knows what ive done, who ive been with, all that. Nothing about me is a mystery to him. NOTHING. I speak my mind, he knows my everythough even. But its not that way with me...I wish I he wasnt such a mystery to me. It would probably avoid many many arguments...

Im so fucking pissed off. Pissed Pissed Pissed and I dont wanna talk about it but fucking ay I feel like Ive had enough.

Fucking asshole mutha fucker...

ugh

Thats Y ur stuck selling one of the things u love most...

YOUR FUCKING CAR

My friend from L.A. came to visit me. It was really nice to see her. She was here since Wednesday night and left around 2pm today. God, when I left L.A. I was 13yrs old. We were kids. Now 7yrs later I see her again and were all grown up...weird...we still look the same LMFAO. We really didnt do much, I didnt have nobody to watch the baby. But next time she comes we will mos def do something. It was still nice to just have her around. Talkin about all the dumb stuff we used to do and the trouble we used to get into.

We got high together too...haha

Well things are better I guess. Steve...well hes still smoking and drinking. Yesterday me and him got into a bad argument. We said some really messed up things to each other. But I had said something REALLY fucked up to him that I feel bad for saying, but wont take back. He kinda forced me into saying it.

"Maybe if u were a better boyfriend I wouldnt spend so much time thinking about other pple"

He instantly flipped out. I do regreat telling him that b-cuz I know I hurt him by saying that more than he hurt me. Because he said some pretty hurtful things to me...which I pretty much asked for. But funny thing is, after a few minutes of him being downstairs, he came up trying to talk to me. He apoligized to me...when I shouldve apoligized to me. He asked me to take back what I said and I said I couldnt. He got mad again but got over it in a matter of seconds. I guess in a way he understood why I said that. I told him though, that I never said I dont love him. He knows very well that if I didnt wanna be with him, I'd leave him. And if I really wanted to talk to "other" pple...I know the number! He knows that. And he knows I havent talked to other pple for a while. And when I said that shit to him, I was being honest. I always find myself thinking of how it "wouldve" been if this and how it "wouldve" been if that. Not because I love or like the other person more than him, but b-cuz he fucked up so much, I find myself wondering how things wouldve been.

I love Steve with all my heart and since we got married, I made a commitment to myself to b a good wife and to not ever do the things Ive done in the past. I mean, Im not even interested in doing what I've done before. I love him to much to do that. But I have to admit, I do sometimes think of other pple. Its only b-cuz of the way Steve acts sometimes. Its really hard to explain. But I can assure u that no matter what, I always restrain myself from doing anything that I will regreat...

I love you steve, I would never do anything to hurt u on purpose. I might say some really hurtful things but u know we both say fucked up shit to each other. But at least we know we say em outta anger and dont mean them. Im ur wife and I will always be faithful. I was being honest when I told u what I said, but Im sorry that I said it. U know I love u more than anything in this world and it hurts me to think that u dont believe me. I do love you and well...that all u really outta know. Even if I sometimes think of pple it dont mean anything...well u know for a fact that I wont do anything that u wont like...

Its kinda hard writing about stuff without really putting into the right words...u know what i mean...i know what i mean...thats all that matters...

Is it possible to be happy and unhappy at once?

Ive never been happier in my life. I finally have my own place, Im married to someone I ♥ with all my heart, I have a beautiful baby girl... why do I feel so unhappy though? I would blame "post partum depression" for the way Im feeling but frankly Im gonna blame my husband.

Im so sick of his drinking and smoking. I've asked him to stop plenty of times. I wouldnt mind if those things if he didnt do it as much as he does. Yesterday morning I asked him to clean the house and im the one that ended up picking up the house...leaving the sweaping and moping up to him. Its now what time? And its still not done. Oh but his friend Vi is here and they are smoking like no tomorrow while Steve drinks on his beer...disgusting. I know that with me being a good wife I should take care of the cleaning and taking care of the baby...I mean after all he does pay the bills, right? WRONG. He still dont have a steady job, the rent is due on the 4th and we got not a penny. I'd say since he aint working, I have a say in what he does around here!! I get TIRED. I have to feed and change the baby so many times a night.

Honestly, all I want is for him to get passed this "teenage" way of thinking he is stuck in. Were a family now and we have a baby to take care of and raise. Its time to grow the fuck up and stop with the "lets get fucked up" mentality. Hes a dad now. Im not at all saying that getting married and having a baby is the end of all our fun...there will b plenty of days when we get to go out and have fun. Either on our own or as a family. But I really am sick of the way always needs to smoke and drink we were so fucking broke. "I dont pay for it" is what he always says. I dont care! Fact is that he still doing it.

*sigh*

Im so happy yet so unhappy.

How is that possible?

I'll end this post quoting my brother...

"Im just worried that after you have the baby your gonna go out and get a J.O.B and he still aint gonna have a job. Your gonna be stuck with working, then come home and have to take care of the baby...."

Its too early. I hate getting up any earlier than 12pm.... Im not a morning person. Well I got some stuff to take care of today. Amber has another doctors appt on thursday. Does this ever end..??

I think I might have got someone in trouble with my last blog entry. At least that what Waldo made me think. I'll just avoid saying any names next time.

I gotta go.

Im kinda still upset about some stuff...

On Friday me and Steve got into an argument about going to Waldos party. He didnt wanna go b-cuz someone he doent like was invited. I knew that if he didnt go I wouldnt b able to go either. Especially if that certain someone was gonna go. I really didnt care who went, I just wanted to go so I can have some time off and have a drink. He started to piss me off cuz he was saying "Your fkn crazy if u think im gonna go if hes going..." etc. And I wasnt even saying anything! He figured I was mad at him for not wanting to go. But I wasnt. I understood why he didnt wanna go. I was just dissapointed in thinking we werent going. He said he'd have to fight him if he saw him there and that pissed me off. I asked him why he has to b starting problems if none is messing with him. Its not like he would b there to see me or the other way around. That just made him think that I really did want him to go ne ways. But It was just a question....

"You wanna know why....because he fucked my girlfriend! Thats why. You just wanted me to say that didnt you!?"

That hurt so bad. I just grabbed the baby and went downstairs. I just cried. I didnt know what to say or what to do. He went down there and apoligized and well we figured out that he misunderstood me. I was still upset at what he had said though. He eventually changed his mind and said that he would go. So we went...

2nd thing that pissed me off, my mom never came back from TJ. So what did that mean? I had no one 2 watch the baby. Everyone told me to have at least one beer but I couldnt. Im too much of a good mother to do that. I just had to stay in the house by myself and take care of the baby while everyone else was out drinking and having fun. So I was really upset that my mom was gone and didnt keep her word.

3rd thing that pissed me off was the fact that Steve didnt even wanna go. The whole reason we went was so I can have a good time....something I havent had in a long time. And what happenes? HES the one drinking and hanging out having fun while im stuck watching the baby...LIKE ALWAYS!

Where is he at right now? Hes out with his friends at band practice. I love taking care of my baby. I dont mind. But its just not fair sometimes. Who wakes up every night to feed and change the baby...I Do! Dont get me wrong, Steve is  A LOT of help to me. He does do alot for me but the fact that he gets to go out and have fun is not fair. Especially since hes not really doing all that well in taking care of our financial problems....that hasnt changed.I love him to death but he needs to ... I dont even know what im bitching about ne more.

I really need to just chill. Well im glad we went to Waldos house though. Nobody really showed up. It was just the usual. Arkell and Lawrence showed up right before we left. Im suprized Steve was cool about it. He didnt give em dirty looks like I figured he would. He knew they were going though and I told him who Lawrence was. It was kinda good 2 see him. They saw the baby...I wonder if they knew I had a baby? I wonder what they thought? Ne ways, Im glad Steve didnt start shit with pple. He knows I love him. I mean, were a family now. He knows I wouldnt have married him if I didnt love him and want to b with him. It was a brand new start for us. He knows he has nothing to worry about cuz im not his GirlFriend anymore...

Im his wife

Have some new baby pictures. Just thought I'd post them.

Well tomorrow my brother is throwing a party at his house. Kind of a late birthday party for himself. I was really excited about it b-cuz its been like a year in a half since I've had a drink. I stopped drinking since before I got pgnt. But now I feel like going out drinking. So the party sounded perfect to me. We had originally planned to go to clubbin in T.J. which is always fun. But then he decided to have a bbq with friends and family. That is what the plan is now. That causes a problem for me... I cant b drinking around them. They dont care but my mom asked me not to.

Waldo said something about going to T.J. after the BBQ. Im gonna call him and ask if he still down for that. Im fkn broke though....SHIT MAN. Eh I'll come up with some money. I've had a long and hard nine months and I deserve a day of going out and having some fun.

On Monday March 13th I woke up feeling cramps in my stomach. I wasnt sure if they were contractions. I called the hospital and they told me to go ahead and come in to get checked out. So I went in and the cramps kept getting a bit more painful. Sure enough they were contractions and I was already 3cm dialated. They told me that I was staying.

Wasnt long till they came in and gave me an epidural and I passed out for pretty much most of the day. Occasionally getting checked for dialation. By like around 11pm or so, the epidural started to wear off and I started to feel the contractions a bit. They told me I was about ready to start pushing. Every one left the room except Steve, my mom and my brother. After  hours of pushing I wasnt getting no where, my mom left and I was in pretty much terrible pain. They warned me that If I dont start pushing better that I was gonna have to get a c-section. At that point I really didnt care lol. But the doctor gave me more anestesia and let me rest for about an hour. I passed out.

I woke up numb again and very sleepy. Steve grabed a hold of my left leg and waldo took hold of my right. I started pushing and I heard the doctor say "PERFECTION". I was very glad to hear I was pushing right this time lol. And I felt no pain at all thank god. A couple of pushes and out popped my babys head. Next push, out came her little body. The tears started flowing. I laid there in a feeling of disbelief. I looked down and saw a flat stomach lol. Its a great feeling to see your baby for the first time.

I ended up staying at the hospital longer than I imagined. She had Jaundiced, the yellowing of the skin. It wasnt nothing major, it was very little  but it was best they took care of it so it wont b a problem in the future. I knew that she was in perfect health and was out of harm but it broke my heart. They said I was ok to go but the baby had to stay. I was given the option to stay in pediatrics with her and of course I said yes. We stayed in that room and I pretty much cried all week long. Seeing her under all those lights and having to blind fold my baby all day...I never knew the pain and love you feel when your a parent. Its a feeling you cant describe. I felt for her so much. I wanted to take her home so bad, hold her in my arms but she had to stay under the light most the time. Im just lucky that I got the opertunity to stay with her and wasnt asked to leave her behind. I was really really depressed and heart broken.

But our prayers were answered and she got better really quick. Her billyreuben or what not went down and she was free to go. Over all everything went really well. Shes home and healthy. Very beautiful and I am very happy. Being a parent comes with all sorts of feelings that one cant ever imagine.  I feel ... words cant describe how I feel.

Amber Elizabeth

Everything seems to b going well. Things between me and my husband are also going well. A few problems here and there but nothing out the normal. We make up really fast lol. Its mostly my fault we get mad at each other. I sometimes feel I ask to much of him. He must really love me to put up with me. I really shouldnt get so mad at him...hes so good to me.

Yeah thats pretty much the situation. Amber is still in my belly and Im still always tired.... ets.

Shame Shit

Different Day

As the big day gets closer, I realize just how much I am going 2 miss being pregnant.

I feel like I've been really lucky with my pregnancy. I really didnt show till I was about 7 months. Even at 8 months I still had no problem being pregnant. Its all been smooth sailing till now...at 9 months. I am very miserable!! It hurts 2 much 2 sit, sleep, stand, walk. I cant do anything on my own anymore. So believe me I cant wait till the big day comes. But I look at my tummy & I start 2 wish I could keep Amber in there!!

I experienced such wonderful times being pregnant. Watching my belly grow, feeling the baby move, kick & seeing my tummy move around like an ocean LOL...Its all so amazing!! Not only all of that, but also the moments me & Steve had. Hes been so wonderful 2 me!! Helping me get dressed, putting on my clothes. Showering with me so he can help me. Cooking & helping me out with the cleaning. Hes really been so good 2 me. I feel so good inside of me when hugs me & tells me he loves me. When we shower 2gether he holds me & feeling his body up agains mine...it brings such a good feeling 2 me!!

So Im really gonna miss being pregnant. If me being pregnant has brought us this close...I can only imagine what things will b like when the baby gets here. When were able 2 hold our baby in our arms. 2 b able 2 look at what WE created with so much love....AMAZING!!

Stomach pains are getting bad. I cant even sit no more. I pretty much have 2 laydown all day. I feel really tired. Im gonna b having this baby in about a week!! I fkn feel like im getting ready to have her any second now!

Gonna sell my laptop 2morrow. Only getting $150 for it but I didnt pay shit for it so fuck it! It dont work no way!

Shit man I feel so much pressure down in my pelvis...

I wake up really early & when I open my eyes, I see the closet full of Ambers little outfits. I start 2 think & I really dont like 2 think no more...Im 3 weeks away from my due date & I find myself thinking about it a lot. I know the days are going 2 go by really fast & b4 I know it, I will b in the hospital getting ready 2 see my baby for the 1st time...its scary!! I really dont know what 2 expect. I dont know how well I will b able 2 handle all of it. I want my mom 2 b in the delivery room but shes scared 2 see me in pain, I dont want 2 scare her away! LoL The big day is right around the corner & I really find myself in fear...

Im really upset!! I cant find the charger for the battery. I have the battery but dont have the charger 2 charge it. I really wanna post up pictures. Pple keep asking 2 post up pics of myself & I want too but I cant. *sigh*

My beautiful laptop...its fucking up on me!! I just wont stop freezing up on me. Every few minutes it just freezes or shuts down. Its really upsetting me & well im going 2 sell it. *frowns* Im really sad b-cuz I know its dumb. I could just send 2 get it fixed. The money I'd pay 2 fix it will b well worth it!! But I just...I guess the only reason im selling it is b-cuz we need the money. Selling an expensive laptop, tons & tons or memory in it! It was all cleaned out, no kind of junk, no programs, virus free & what not & a brand new version on windows xp installed in it. Worth lots of money but selling it for $300.00....

I know I will regreat it....

2morrow I finally get the battery for my digital camera! Im so happy b-cuz now I get 2 post up recent pictures of myself & I can also get started on my baby book.

Lately Ive been stressing. I know its not good for the baby but sometimes I just cant help it.

Thats all 4 now...

OH...

I scanned a picture of one of the many parties my brother threw at his house. I'll post it...

Theres me & Steveo on the far right...looks like he decided 2 take a nap while my brother took the picture.

I finally have my own computer. Steve got a laptop. Its pretty siic! He fixed it really good & it works good. Im gonna sign up 2 get DSL now b-cuz I hate dial-up.

Anyways, Ive been feeling very tired lately. My feet get swollen now if I stand 4 2 long. I have my bag ready 4 when I get ready 2 go in 2 the hospital. I picked out the cutest outfit 4 her 2 wear!! Awww. I also unpacked all her clothes. I have so much baby stuff, I dont think I need anything else! Thanx 2 Steves mom & grandma 4 showering me with gifts on my baby shower. The drawers are packed full of baby clothes. I even have a shit load of baby whipes!! Im so excited!

Well things are going really good 4 me, thank god. I love my new house & I love my husband. I gots 2 go do laundry now...